Every year, thousands of couples seek out professional counseling in hopes of saving a troubled relationship. Some succeed, others do not. The fact that counseling doesn’t always work leads to the assumption that it is never worth the time and effort. Even some professionals say that, by the time couples realize they need counseling, it is too late.
This post will not wade into that argument. Rather, we start with the premise that couples’ counseling doesn’t always end well. There are times when couples just cannot make it work even with the help of a therapist. With that in mind, there are some telltale signs suggesting that seeking counseling isn’t wise. They suggest that couples’ counseling is probably a waste of time.
Are you and your significant other thinking about going in for counseling? It might not work if you do not have the right attitude. Here are three signs to look for, offered by Relationships & More out of Westchester County, NY:
You’re Looking for a Quick Fix
Are you under the impression that couples’ counseling can fix a broken relationship in just a few sessions? If so, think again. Couples’ counseling is not a quick fix. Not only is it not designed that way, but it is also not possible to quickly fix what has taken a long time to break.
Though there are exceptions to the rule, most troubled relationships started out just fine. They were not perfect, but they also weren’t in trouble from day one. So what happened? A variety of negative behaviors were brought to bear until, over time, the relationship deteriorated. Therefore, if it takes a couple five or 10 years to get to a point of needing counseling, their relationship isn’t going to be fixed after a couple of hours of collective counseling.
You’re Hoping to Change Your Partner
Another sign that couples’ counseling is a waste of time is an expectation by either party that seeing a therapist will change the other person. Perhaps you see character traits in your partner that you don’t appreciate. You believe that seeing a therapist will help your partner see those flaws and simultaneously motivate them to change. Good luck with that.
One of the hardest things to come to terms with in couples’ counseling is the reality that you cannot change the other person. Neither can the therapist. Each person must take responsibility for changing him or herself. That includes you, by the way.
You’re Convinced Therapy Should Work
Finally, couples’ counseling may be a waste of your time if you are convinced that it should work. Here is the dirty little secret about counseling therapies: they do not work at all. They are only tools. They are no different than the tools a carpenter carries in his truck.
No hammer can pound a nail into a stud on its own. No screwdriver can independently drive a screw into a door frame. Hammers and screwdrivers are tools that only function in the hands of the carpenter. Likewise for couples’ counseling. It is a tool couples use to reconcile their conflicts. Couples do the work; counseling is just one of the tools they use to do it.
Couples’ counseling is available to anyone who wants to take advantage of it. Is it worth it? Only you and your partner can decide that. Just know this: if you go into couples’ therapy expecting it to be a quick fix that works without any effort on your part, you will be wasting your time. Adjust your own mindset or look for other solutions.
